I have to pull over. I was driving and I started thinking of all the things that seem to be going wrong. I know that I can create the environment I want by thinking thoughts of joy and love and peace by thinking thoughts of joy and love and peace. However an overwhelming sadness and feeling of depression came over me. Reminding me that this is the way things are for you Kyri. Get over it. You will always give and give and give yourself til you’ve given out and nothing will come back to you. You will always be one paycheck away from being homeless. You will always separated from who you truly are. You never develop the type of deep friendships and relationships you desire. Your bank account will always be in the negative. This is your life. . . Things will not workout for you no matter how close you get.
I wish I could say I closed my eyes and came with an affirmation that made me feel better but I can’t. That’s why I had too pull over. My wouldn’t let me. It kept saying Kyri your life hasn’t changed a bit you are still right where you don’t want to be. You’re making a little more money your mindset is still the same. You are still scared and timid. You are still taking the safe way out, too scared to take a chance, still going with the path of lease resistance, still starting things and never finishing. I was having trouble seeing as I felt chest pains. So had to pull over.
Lesson: All the affirmations in the world won’t help if you are not going within your mind to learn from your thoughts.
Instead of fighting these thoughts, I decided to go on and have them. It’s an ugly, unhappy place to be but I feel like I needed this today. The bible says think soberly, so I realize that I am not where I thought I was. However, I do see the growth because before I would’ve shut down laid over bed and cried and cried. But I don’t like crying. I feel like exploring deeper into my thoughts and why in the last 16 years of my life, I have repeated the 2001 over and over and over again? What can do to break the cycle? I moved to Louisville but it seems I’m still in the cycle the track just got bigger. I have a lot of work to do. Changing your thoughts is not easy but today I’m up for the challenge!