Jordan McQueenRemember when just meeting up with your friends was enough? When we didn’t obsess over digital proof of a friendship and having a good time. Remember when silence was enough? When we didn’t have to fill that void of nothing with blinking notifications because the silence was too loud. Remember when a conversation was enough? When we didn’t…
I have to pull over. I was driving and I started thinking of all the things that seem to be going wrong. I know that I can create the environment I want by thinking thoughts of joy and love and peace by thinking thoughts of joy and love and peace. However an overwhelming sadness and feeling of depression came over me. Reminding me that this is the way things are for you Kyri. Get over it. You will always give and give and give yourself til you’ve given out and nothing will come back to you. You will always be one paycheck away from being homeless. You will always separated from who you truly are. You never develop the type of deep friendships and relationships you desire. Your bank account will always be in the negative. This is your life. . . Things will not workout for you no matter how close you get.
I wish I could say I closed my eyes and came with an affirmation that made me feel better but I can’t. That’s why I had too pull over. My wouldn’t let me. It kept saying Kyri your life hasn’t changed a bit you are still right where you don’t want to be. You’re making a little more money your mindset is still the same. You are still scared and timid. You are still taking the safe way out, too scared to take a chance, still going with the path of lease resistance, still starting things and never finishing. I was having trouble seeing as I felt chest pains. So had to pull over.
Lesson: All the affirmations in the world won’t help if you are not going within your mind to learn from your thoughts.
Instead of fighting these thoughts, I decided to go on and have them. It’s an ugly, unhappy place to be but I feel like I needed this today. The bible says think soberly, so I realize that I am not where I thought I was. However, I do see the growth because before I would’ve shut down laid over bed and cried and cried. But I don’t like crying. I feel like exploring deeper into my thoughts and why in the last 16 years of my life, I have repeated the 2001 over and over and over again? What can do to break the cycle? I moved to Louisville but it seems I’m still in the cycle the track just got bigger. I have a lot of work to do. Changing your thoughts is not easy but today I’m up for the challenge!
I’m sitting here thinking about my life. People always say do what makes you happy. Think happy and joyful thoughts. But my mind seems to always be in that middle ooggy place. I’m never really happy, I’m never really sad, I’m never really angry. So I wonder, how can I go to a happy place. I have spent my life making sure people like me, making sure I didn’t offend anyone, being diplomatic, trying to make everyone in the group feel like they are apart, being humble and not thinking to highly of myself. The church, my grandmother, my aunts, my mother, my teachers all said to me, “Don’t get too high, cause when you fall you gotta see all the ones you passed on your way back down.” So my whole life has been spent being nice and humble and trying not to go too high in life. Then many of those same people said, “Save for a rainy day. Everyday won’t be on flowery beds of ease.” Meaning “the money will always run out.” See many of these saying seem to resonate with most of us as the way to live! I must say, it has created a pretty good life for me! I always seem to save money. But the money always seems to run out and I have to use my savings. I have always had my savings to fall back on. But most of my money always goes to doing for others and not myself. This has made me very popular with people! But it has destroyed my sense of who I truly am.
How can I know who I truly am, when I have spent my whole life suppressing my true feelings in order to be liked by people. This is why It’s hard for me to say, I love and accept myself just as I am. I don’t really know who I am! Because things I don’t want to do, I do for the sake of others. Things I really want to say, I don’t say for the sake of others. My whole life, I have just been mediocre. I am going through my life, just looking at the way I have done things. Many times in high school and in college, I know the topic of discussion very well but I don’t say anything because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to be “all that”. Then I have developed the habit of acting like I can’t do something, so people will think I’m helpless and do things for me because people won’t help you if you act confident. I know I can teach and I’m very good at it. I know I can help teach other teachers how to teach and it would make their classroom a well oiled machine, but I sit back and don’t say anything because I don’t want other teachers to think I’m trying to be high and mighty. Rather than shine, just be mediocre and people will like you!
People will like you but you will never seem to build a strong friendship or relationship. I have a bunch of people that I know and that know me but not anyone that I can truly open up about who I am. Will they be my friend if they knew what I truly think? Will I be my friend if I knew what I truly think? I always think that people only want to be my friend or love me if they need me. No one would want to be my friend if they don’t need something from me. So my whole life I have surrounded myself with people that need me and that allow me to control them. That’s how I have developed relationships so that when they don’t me any more, they leave. Now there are a few people who have stayed with me through all of this, but in my mind I always feel like their going to leave at any time now. My College Choir Director once said, “Don’t get too close to anyone, so when they cut; they won’t cut deep.” I already had that way of thinking so when she said that, I took it to heart and made a lifestyle of it. Now trying to attract a mate seems to be harder than ever. Everybody that I attract always needs me to do something for them.
So saying all of this to say. I do love and accept myself as I am right here and now. I love and approve of mediocre, lonely, humble, hiding, but nice and sweet Kyri. However, I’m taking my power today! The power is always in the present moment! So right now, I choose to love myself and move myself to confident, worthy, loving, open and out front Kyri! I am GOOD ENOUGH! The real me is on it’s way out! I LOVE ALL OF ME!
Affirmations: ALL IS WELL AND I AM SAFE. I ACCEPT THE PROCESS OF LIFE! I APPROVE OF MYSELF! I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF JUST AS I AM RIGHT HERE AND NOW! I AM WILLING TO RELEASE THE PATTERN THAT IS IN ME THAT HAS CREATED THIS EXPERIENCE AND I TAKE MY OWN POWER BACK! I MOVE INTO JOY!